Einstein, Jacob, and M
A Sit-Down with Einstein
Einstein doesn’t sit down. He doesn’t really even know how. He remains motionless on the kitchen wall and keeps his eyes on me, not exactly wary, but ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.
I’m lucky that he has decided to join this interview. After signing the authorisation to record, we begin our conversation.
Me: So the question that I’ve been wanting to start off with— we saw a smaller version of you on our bedroom ceiling during the Winter months. Was that you? M doesn’t think so, but I have my suspicions.
Einstein: I prefer to keep that answer shrouded in mystery if you don’t mind. Some things are better left unanswered.
Me: Fair enough. I suppose it is possible anyway, but that would mean that you would need to find enough sustenance not just to survive, but also to grow and thrive.
Einstein: True…true. Look, I’ll be honest with you Jeffrey. I come from the outside. If I can make it out there, what makes you think I can’t find a way to make it in here?
Is he smirking at me?
Me: Alright. By the way, did you know I owned one of your species in when I went to college? He didn’t look exactly the same as you. He was bright green, and a bit larger than you, even. I remember how impulsive the decision was to buy him. I had flown back to Indiana after a Winter break. I took my bags back to my place and decided to go directly to the pet store. I had this idea that I wanted to buy a gecko. And so I did.
Einstein flicks out his tongue
Einstein: Did you give him a name?
Me: I named him Haskel Pitluck. I have a distant relative by that name, and I always thought it had a cool ring to it. Although I didn’t know this relative very well, I wanted to do the name honour.
Einstein: It is a nice name. Where is he now?
Me: The relative or the gecko?
Einstein: The gecko.
Me: He died. I left him in the care of my housemates when I went away on another holiday. I came back and discovered they had purchased crickets too big for him to consume. They were feasting on his body.
A Hurried Conversation with Jacob
Jacob is a nervous fellow. Smart, quick, and paranoid. I wait for him in my kitchen and almost don’t even notice him scurrying around in the space underneath the burner on the stove. After finally calming down a bit, I’m able to ask him a few questions.
Me: Thanks for taking time to chat with me today, Jacob.
Jacob’s antennae continuously read the air, twitching back and forth.
Jacob: Yeah, yeah, watcha’ want?
(I’m surprised to hear what I believe to be a New York accent).
Me: First, I want to know how you got into our house.
Jacob: Ya tin’k I’d be telling yuh that? Phaaaaw. You gotcha’ nutha thing coming, buddy!
Me: Alright, I see both you and Einstein like to have secrets, so…
Jacob: Einstein! Einstein! That rat bastard here?
He scurries around and around the burner in a frenzy.
Me: No, no, no….listen, calm down, Jacob. He agreed not to come our for this conversation. I was just saying you guys both like to keep secrets.
Jacob: Ah, hell. Ya scared tha living bajeeezus outta me buddy!
Me: Well, you know, M and I are both scared of you. Have you ever thought about that?
There’s a pause. His antennae go into overdrive.
Jacob: Are you kiddin’ me, wise-guy? Do you see how friggin’ big I am? You could squash me with your foot. You gotst dat’ spray over there under da rice cooker. Don’t tink I ain’t seen it! All I’mma tryin’ ta do is get some food and take care of my family. You ever tink how scary you and M are? And Einstein? Do ya?
House of “M”
M and I sit on the floor. We have a lot of carpet-sitting time these days. I ask her to reflect on our recent escapades and adventures with Einstein and Jacob. On two evenings in the past week we’ve had games of cat and mouse with both of the on separate occasions. Both of these events ended with Einstein and Jacob leaving. I deposited Einstein (alive) on the roof. Jacob wasn’t so lucky. I’ll spare the details.
Me: Why call Einstein “Einstein?”
M: I just wanted to name it a kind of long name. Einstein is kind of a long name. Also, many people might remember Einstein as a specific person…THE Einstein.
Me: What was your feeling when you first saw Einstein.
M: Of course, freaked out. Something was moving. I never thought there was a creature in the sink at that time.
Me: Did your feeling about Einstein change?
M: At that time we told our landlord about Einstein, but for me it was kind of gross — why is Einstein inside? Our landlord said that a gecko was kind of a lucky animal for Taiwanese. They hunt insects, including Jacob.
Me: What was your feeling when we captured and released Einstein on the roof?
M: Just release back to Nature. For example, some Japanese love fishing, but they might catch the fish and then release back.
Me: Do you miss Einstein now?
M: Not really. But if I have to say, I don’t really want him in the house. There was no information in advance. No knock on our door. Just very suddenly. I don’t really like Einstein’s moving style. I would say I have a neutral feeling about Einstein.
Me: Let’s switch gears and talk about Jacob for a second. Why the name Jacob?
M: Jacob in Japanese is ゴキブリ (gokiburi). As we know there are many people in the States whose name is Jacob, so we should respect them. It doesn’t mean we hate the name “Jacob.” But the sound “J” in my imagination sounds like “jeeeee,” “goooooo,” “buuuuuuu,” for example. It gives me the feeling of ゴキブリ.
Me: So how would you describe Jacob’s personality?
M: I don’t know. They might have strategy….to move, to cross the road, or hiding somewhere. When is the best timing for them? Where is the best hiding area, where’s the hot spot, for example.
Me: What was your feeling when you saw Jacob in the house?
M: Maybe when I saw him I wanted to scream, but I know I need to just keep watching. Because if we try to get the spray, even if just for the moment, definitely we will miss him cause they are also moving so fast, and they are very busy to hide.
Me: I know you don’t like Jacob, but I feel you have a respect for Jacob in a way.
M: Before I’ve also heard Jacob was living on the Earth even during the dinosaur era or Jurassic era. This was before humans. This means their vitality is very strong. Also, I think some professors have experimented how strong Jacobs are — for example, putting Jacob in the microwave, or in the freezer, etc.
Also, I saw in China someone tried to take a big challenge by eating a living Jacob, but I think he died after eating. We have gastric acid, right? But it didn’t work against Jacob. Maybe we don’t need to talk about this. Anyway, Jacobs are very very very strong.
Me: Do you think there’s a relationship between Einstein and Jacob?
M: Like cats and dogs? That’s a good question. Just curious, for example — we put 20 Jacobs and 20 Einsteins in a clear box — two hours later…what’s going to happen? We can count — how many Jacobs? Who many Einsteins?
Me: Last questions: If you could say anything to Einstein and Jacob, what would you say right now?
M: For Einstein — if you want to you can live with us together in the house, but please don’t show up in front of me. When we just moved here I saw many very very very tiny insects on the wall. But recently we haven’t seen. It might be thanks to Einstein.
For Jacob — just do NOT come. We have no food. Sorry.
